Hey, everyone.

I'm not really sure what to write about, but I feel like writing- so I guess I'll just write about nonsense!
Hannah, Larni and I started a collab channel on YouTube. :) It's RuthiHannahLarni for those of you that want to check it out. I'm on Friday. :)

I'm currently watching John Cusack films with my friends. Better Off Dead is the oddest movie that I've ever seen. It really has no point and it's just odd all around. I mean, it's not bad if you're with the right people. :P But in general, I wouldn't recommend it. I prefer Say Anything. Haha.

I have no clue what to say... Hm. I guess there's nothing else to say.

PERSONA 3 ROCKS.

xx

Ruthi

            Dear Reader,

            I’m going to be honest with you. I am a horrible friend. I am shamelessly self-involved and I care too much about what others think. This, surprisingly, has not stopped me from having friends. Maybe it’s because I do care about other people. I care about other people sometimes more than I care about myself. Perhaps it’s just myself that thinks I’m a horrible friend. I don’t mean to, but I tend to brag. I don’t even know how it comes across until I’ve said it and OOPS! There it is. Staring at me blank in the face… this ugly sentence that is uplifting to myself and searching for praise amongst others. I think we all do it. We start a question as simple as, “So, how are your grades?”, in hopes that we will be asked how our grades are in return. I don’t ask people how their grades are unless my grades are stunning.

            Don’t get me wrong- I do genuinely care about how my friends’ lives are going. It’s just that their typically going on so much more smoothly than mine is that I have to sit back and question what I’m doing wrong and then I get in a fit of depression because my life isn’t as exciting or wondrous as theirs is. I hate this about myself, but I love it about myself, too. I’m constantly wanting more and wanting to better myself, so this is good. What’s bad is… I am prone to fits of depression if someone has something I want both physically and mentally speaking. If they’re more secure in who they are then I am, I try to build myself up and I come across as being interested in only myself. I’m not, I just feel bad that I don’t measure up to whoever I might be talking to. I feel like I need to say what I’ve done that’s some accomplishment in order for them to like me.

            “I just finished reading War and Peace for the second time,” one person might say. I’ll blush and look down and think how amazing that is that they’ve done that and I’ll spout out with, “Oh, yeah? Well, I’ve finished Pride and Prejudice AND Sense and Sensibility,” with a ‘what now’ expression on my face. It’s true that I’ve finished these books so it’s not as if I’m lying, per-say, but I haven’t finished them the way it seems by that sentence. It took me 6 months to finish one of those, and another 6 months to finish the other because of how damn wordy Ms. Austen is. Nevertheless, it does get what I want. It gets me a pat on the back and a, “Aren’t we just great readers?” look from the other person.

            I need to stop this. I need to stop obsessing over how people perceive me. Who the fuck cares about how they perceive me? I think I’m an okay person and that’s all that should count. I really need to be more involved in other people’s lives. Not just my own. I try, I really do try. It’s just that I am shamelessly self-involved, like every other person on this planet is, too. I just wish this truth wasn’t true about everyone even though it truly is… (I mean, why help someone? It gives YOU that feel good feeling. That’s why, so don’t point out humanitarians to me, please.)

I haven't. It's true. Oh well. I can't really be bothered to do a proper update, I don't think.

Haha. It's so weird. I've taken to writing a journal and I write in it so much that you'd think I'd be chocked full of things to say on this, but I've got nothing! At all. Well, darlings, I guess that's just how life goes..

xx

ruthi